Denial then Acceptance
by SophieSaulie
Summary: Hallucinations and reality merge for both Billy and Rick as they face their worst fears. Capture and torture.
1. Chapter 1

**Denial then Acceptance**

**Part 1:**

Sad to say, this wasn't Billy's first go around the block with capture and torture. Risk of the profession he would always say.

After surviving, some admittedly by the slimmest of margins, he'd regale how he had endured a new method of physical abuse, another notch in the belt of his collective experience as a spy as if survival was a medal to be worn.

And there he was once again thrust into being a captive at the hands of people with deft training in inflicting excruciating pain, finding the most effective pain centers possible. Billy wondered if they had academies for such kinds of learning or if they weed out the particularly gifted psychopaths. His wandering thoughts to such questions were as much about deflecting the pain, as they were legitimate curiosities that he had floating in his head at the time. He had some control over what flittered across his mind, but most of the time the randomness of them would find him laughing aloud, a reaction that often brought puzzled looks and on some less forgiving of such outbursts, anger, usually inviting more pain in a defiance to silence his perceived audacity.

At first it was the pedestrian methods. Water boarding, electrocution, slow deliberate slices across his skin, no deeper than paper cuts yet when applied with just the right mixture of antiseptic the inflicted stinging and relentless pain could be worse than a deeper gash. Then came the creativity, injections of various chemical formulations, some burning from within his veins, muscles, and nerves others causing uncontrollable spasms, still other chemical cocktails took pleasure in implanting hallucinations that seem so real that he couldn't discern fantasy from reality.

Those were the worst for Billy.

Perhaps it was because there was such a reservoir of guilt to mine from.

Memories, regrets, loss, they were all worse than any physical abuse because in the end, physical pain, if he survived it, healed, and given enough time, the wounds just fading scars barely there to remind him of what had caused them.

The psychological tortures were far more insidious because they never left you, the events there to replay like some sadistic rewind on an endless loop. Short of brain damage, selective amnesia, or permanent memory loss they were always with you, to haunt you, to taunt you with past failures or the helplessness that comes with the inability to change the past. Under controlled circumstances, they could be easily suppressed, buried deep where even copious indulgences into alcohol couldn't lubricate them loose, but under someone else's deft control, they could be dislodged once again, bringing with it a pain that lingered, that could find a person literally trying to physically run away only to fail miserably because they weren't things you could run from. They were a part of you. Always.

He could endure much, perhaps never equaling the endurance of Casey Malick, but Billy had never claimed to possess the stoic center needed to achieve such control, still, he would come a close second.

As the days melted into each other, time becoming irrelevant once again, he felt his pain receptors flare like fire, unbidden tears streaked his face, screams, moans, and struggling breaths were all a part of his existence as he hoped and waited for rescue.

He always hoped for rescue. Even when he didn't always believe it would come. Even when his normally positive view of life questioned whether rescue would be at hand. He had never succumbed to the acceptance that he was doomed, that death was all he had to look forward to.

Not yet anyway.

He would quip back answers his torturers weren't looking for or in the mood for and they would respond in kind by exerting pain with maximum prejudice.

"Tell us what we want to know!" The torturer would bark with the power he knew he possessed over Billy, his life, with the weapon his hands held, this time a blunt instrument to bludgeon effectively.

Whack! Thud! Groan. As flesh and bone collided with a solid block, resembling a bat, pain roared like thunder through his nervous system as he heard and felt a rib, maybe two, crack inside him and he couldn't remain defiantly silent.

"If you tell us –"

"I'll be just as dead. You're talking to someone who could write your script there, mate. So I'll give you the next line, yeh? You can just forget about getting anything from me."

Another swing of the bat pummeled into his back this time and he had the presence of mind through the pain to wiggle his toes as if to check if his back had been broken.

"I must have the name of your masseuse. You have quite the delicate touch there," he taunted. It was all he had left to him at that point.

Billy tried to clear pain and sweat from his eyes to keep watching everything that was happening around him. Captured didn't mean he wasn't still on assignment. If anything, it was even more important. Anything he could glean and survive to tell the tale was intel that was valuable.

Another man, hiding in the shadows, out of Billy's line of sight, produced a hypodermic needle and handed it to the torturer. Billy sensed it was that man who was calling the shots, who was holding his fate in his hands.

"Ah, so we're now moving on to the pharmaceuticals, are we? Excellent! Could there be something in there for my cholesterol? It runs in my family you see."

He felt the needle being unceremoniously jabbed into the crook his elbow. Precision wasn't the goal. Expressing whatever drugs were in the mix as quickly as possible was. Billy grimaced. He then watched as another needle was produced. The torturer then walked over to the front of Billy, undid Billy's belt and pulled on the waistband to expose his hip.

"While I appreciate the gesture, I'm afraid, I just don't find you all that attractive –"

The needle, again, was plunged with maximum force as if to drive home with authority by the gesture that Billy's insolence wasn't being tolerated. Billy arched with pain.

"Take him back to his cell," the man in the shadows commanded.

Billy had a feeling that he should know the voice, but his ability to bring forth the identification was being hampered by pain and the confusion brought on by the drugs.

Billy wished that he could pass out, but all he was able to manage was fogginess as he was being grasped by the arms by two other men and escorted back to his cell. It was more like being dragged as he was in so much pain, planting his feet to stand brought fresh wave after wave.

Once they reached his cell, they threw him in and locked the door behind him. It was then that Billy allowed himself to grunt and groan in pain, not knowing what hurt the most.

Everything hurt and for now, he couldn't tell what, if anything, the drugs that had been injected into him were doing to him.

The only question that ran through Billy's mind at that moment was the inevitable one of when would they tire of his resistance and rid themselves of the irritation he had become to them, whether they would feel he was worth keeping alive. Obviously, having survived previous such postulations, rescue had been achieved to avoid that question from being answered.

But this time, this time, he wasn't so sure.

He tried lifting his body up to a sitting position but he was struck back down with ripping pain through his chest, taking his breath away. He groaned long and whimpered with the agony. He crawled over to a nearby wall and used it to brace him up, resisting the clenching pain as much as he could. Once upright, he closed his eyes and tried to continue breathing which were more long, deep sighs without the lovely release and relief from pain that usually came with them.

Maybe this was the end after all.

Even if it had only been a couple of days, time had lost all context for him, the way the torture was progressing along with the new methods, he didn't think that he'd make it this time.

"_Since when did you become a quitter, aye?"_

A voice said through the haze of his pain. He opened his eyes and searched through his cell. He was startled by the presence of a person from another lifetime ago.

"Right, then, the drugs are kicking in I see," he said to himself.

"_You think this is a hallucination?" The man said._

"Can't be anything else, mate. You're dead."

"_Perhaps I'm your Marley's ghost then?"_

"Right, just my luck, you'd come back to haunt me," Billy joked surprised at the ease he was slipping into the hallucination. He knew it wasn't real and yet, he couldn't help, but "participate". Perhaps it was a part of him too tired to resist it.

"_Nice thing to say to your old partner, aye?"_

"What do you want from me, Eddie?"

"_You got me killed, so the least you can do is play along."_

Billy smiled. There it was, the painful truth, literally and figuratively. He clenched in pain on queue.

"Are you just going to rehash the past and point out the obvious? Because if you are, then this is going to be easier than I thought."

"_Right, so you're telling me, you've come to terms, have you?"_

Billy breathed heavily, his expression turning grim.

"I'll never get off that easily, if that's what you're thinking. I'll never come to terms with what happened, Eddie, but I can't change the past. I live with what I've done every single day."

"_I seriously doubt it if you're this calm about betraying a friend, of selling out –"_

"I've done a lot of things I'm not proud of, but I didn't betray you, mate. I could never betray you."

"_What would you call it then? When you handed me over to the Russians?"_

Billy arched with a spasm of pain.

"You were a double agent, Eddie. It's you who did the betraying. I don't care about me…but you sacrificed everything, your alliance to Queen and Country, other agents died at your hand. I had no choice."

"_We were mates and you let me die in enemy hands. Nothing you can say can change that fact."_

Eddie's visage then transformed as blood stains drenched the front of his shirt and his coloring went grey with death.

Billy started awake, unable to catch his breath, the pain just as bright as in his dream.

Billy lay back against the wall.

"Right, now the real torture begins."

**ChaosChaosChaos**

They brought him back again and again. Just when he thought he'd drawn his last breath, they would stop just shy of unconsciousness. He would gasp and cough wretchedly only for them to string the noose back around his throat, the chaffing from the fibers were making his neck tender and raw, bleeding.

"You know, you really can take a man's breath away," he rasped, hands tied behind his back, leaning on his knees.

"You know that your friends are not coming for you. They've left you for dead so why remain loyal?"

Billy laughed, each intake of air past his enflamed throat bringing stinging pain.

"You really think that matters, mate? I admit to having many insecurities, but that's not one of them. I hope they don't…and I won't betray them. Do what you want to me."

"This? This is for amusement's sake, to hone our skills and I have to admit, you have quite the will."

"Now, you're just leading me on with flattery," Billy breathed. "But it will get you nowhere. I'm not easy."

Billy smiled, but it transformed back to a look of determined defiance.

"No, you're not so I think other measures are in order."

Billy watched as the same man still hiding in the shadows as before entered with two more hypodermics.

"Ah, yes, enter the psycho-trophic drugs…" Billy said as he tried to address the shadowed figure. "The least you can do is show yourself so I can face my executioner, aye? A coward is what you are."

For each injection, Billy began to feel his skin and his veins becoming hypersensitive, anywhere where the needle plunged. He closed his eyes and hissed as each touch felt searing.

He was then thrown back into his cell.

The hallucinations were becoming more vivid and it was becoming harder and harder to distinguish reality from fantasy. Truth be told, it was also becoming more tempting to surrender to them, to escape the pain through them even though they weren't safe havens, if anything, they were reminders of how much he had failed, how hypocritical he felt he had been, somehow fading into them felt…comfortable…appealing perhaps it was a way to suffer in a self-imposed hell with all of the self-flagellation without the fire and brimstone. He suspected it was exactly that effect his captors were hoping for, that at some point he would break in the midst of the illusion, revealing a secret. On that, they were giving him little credit.

They didn't know him very well at all.

The attack of pain seemed different every time, as if the alchemists working for his captors were fine-tuning the formula depending on his reactions. Perhaps he was their guinea pig? The pain was getting more severe and harder to come back from with each injection. It had begun to feel like he was always in pain, that there were no more breaks in between to recover and rest. The hallucinations seemed to also contribute to the pain, the memories more and more vivid as well as the suffering that had originally come with the events more magnified in the recalling of them.

Billy knew they weren't controlling what memories he was recalling and perhaps it revealed more about how truly self-torturing his character was, but it was if he were trying to remember the most painful of his memories as if attempting to resolve them somehow and for each failure to do so, it whittled away at his will.

He was tired; exhausted, drained of energy and he felt his body slipping away from his control. The physical toll was finally settling in. He was no Casey Malick, he reminded himself again. His stamina, his very human endurance was far from limitless.

He lay on the makeshift bed in his cell, having no strength to even sit up now. Occasionally, he'd curl into himself with pain, but in that moment, he was too weak to even do that.

"_Come on, Billy. You can do it. We're almost there, buddy," Carson's voice filtered into his mind._

"You can't be here, mate. You're in prison."

"_Yeh, you put me there."_

"No, you were already there in your heart, mate. We just moved you into the brick and mortar variety to finish the prison you were already in once and for all."

"_Still being so moral, aren't you? Like that kid, Rick, wasn't it?" _

"You leave him out of this. He's a better man, better than you or I will ever be," Billy spit out in bitter anger.

"_Maybe so, but his moral principles won't keep him alive, now will it?"_

"It will, if I have any say."

"_Well, now, that's…what would Shakespeare call it? The rub, isn't it? Looks like you're not going to make it out of here, you limey." _

"Perhaps not…perhaps this is just what it has to be."

Billy was then startled awake, hearing a large explosion, smelling acrid smoke fill his cell. Was this a dream? Or had he finally been broken?

"Billy? Billy?" Called out a friendly and familiar voice.

Billy couldn't focus his eyes, couldn't latch on to whom the voice belonged.

"My God…" said another voice, younger, vulnerability laced in the shocked timber of his declaration.

"Billy?"

But he couldn't find anything but pain, his recollection fuzzy at best, nonexistent at worst. He felt someone trying to lift him from his bed and he heard himself scream in pain, yet it felt distant, like someone else was doing it.

"Let's get him out of here. We have to get him to a hospital."

He should know that voice. Why was he having such a difficult time coming up with the name?

He had no strength left, he couldn't fire any impulses to his muscles and so nothing was moving and yet he wasn't unconscious. He heard everything around him, felt people grabbing at him, understandably trying to help, but causing him excruciating pain for every grasp and every movement they forced upon him.

He then found himself stiffening as if being stretched like a rubber band; his mind blank, the only awareness was pain then nothingness.

"Damn it! He's posturing! He's having a stroke or a brain hemorrhage. Someone get him on IV TPA STAT!"

**ChaosChaosChaos**

Billy roared back into consciousness against his will, but fighting his body and mind were useless endeavors. He felt like he was on fire and ice simultaneously, pain was everywhere and he couldn't stop groaning. He flashed glances at everyone around him. Voices everywhere shattering his nerve endings with the cacophony. He tried pulling away, but his body wouldn't move, he tried pushing away and the agony from the rebellion punished him.

He closed his eyes, trying to both focus and also drown out what was assaulting his senses.

"Billy? Say something! Please!" That younger man's voice he had heard earlier beckoned. He still couldn't retrieve the name.

"W…who are you? W…what's happening?" Billy finally was able to eek out.

Rick stiffened, looked towards Michael who shook his head as if to say to play along.

"You've been hurt, we're getting you to the hospital," Michael said to set the tone for everyone. "Just relax."

"Pain's everywhere…" Billy trembled and jerked even though by doing it, he just caused more pain.

"I know and I'm sorry, but EMS needs to find out where your injuries are. You scared us earlier, but you're going to be okay."

"Not so sure about that, mate."

Michael swallowed nervously.

"Just let us help you."

"I don't remember…I'm afraid, I don't know who I am," Billy said, his voice a mix of pain and humor as only Billy could mix the two.

That question froze everyone.

"Don't worry about that now –" Michael said.

Suddenly, flashes of memory bombarded Billy causing him to clench, stiffen and grimace.

"Billy? What's wrong?"

"Get away! STOP!" Billy yelled and thrashed at something no one else could see.

EMS struggled to get consistent vitals on Billy.

"We're going to have to sedate him. I'm worried he's going to hurt himself further and pull out the IV line," one of them said to Michael and all he could do was nod. "Can one of you hold him down?"

Rick swallowed hard, but without saying a word, Casey immediately volunteered and applied all his strength to bear down on Billy's shoulders, his barely contained stoic center holding for the moment.

One of the paramedics produced a needle and when Billy saw it, his eyes went wide with terror. It was an emotion Rick had never seen on him.

"No! No! Get that away from me!" He yelled. Casey had to increase his hold, but he was able to hold him steady.

"Billy, it's okay," Rick tried to comfort. "It will help you."

"No, no, if I go under, I might not come back!"

All three men gave each other grim expressions.

The paramedic injected the fluid into Billy's IV line and it took effect almost immediately, quieting Billy down until finally he went limp. Casey let go, but he felt exhausted.

Once Billy was stabilized, the ambulance took Billy to the hospital leaving behind three shell-shocked men.

**ChaosChaosChaos**

Despite the sedation, Billy still stirred restlessly, pain etched on his face, as if dreaming, none of them good ones, nightmares more likely from the moans he was making.

A week. He had been missing a week.

It had taken them a week to finally find him and to Rick's mind, it was too many days at the hands of his sadistic captors; too long subjected to unspeakable tortures and poisons into his body until...

Even Billy Collins, born and bruised in North Edinburgh, wasn't immune to that kind of cruelty; wasn't strong enough to withstand such heinous disregard for his will, his life for one whole week.

Rick had seen the track marks along the crux of Billy's left arm...so many of them...and it had made him physically ill.

The doctors said that they'd never be able to determine what chemicals had been injected into Billy.

They had said he had sustained extensive internal injuries. The list was mind numbing and yet it was miraculous that Billy was still alive and a twinge of pride was there for his resilience and will to live.

Billy had a long road ahead of him and for now, Rick was grateful that Billy didn't know that. That knowledge could drain whatever will he had left.

And still, all Rick could think about was how it had taken a week to rescue him and the nagging feeling that if the roles had been reversed, Billy would have found him sooner.

After all the many surgeries, Billy looked like he was enduring yet another kind of torture. More IVs going into his arm, casts that were on his right arm and around his torso for his broken ribs, a bandage around his head for the head injuries, Rick was overwhelmed by it all.

The doctors had deepened his sedation to keep him from thrashing around from the nightmares. Still, seeing him so motionless was jarring because Billy was such an animated man, speaking with flourishes and colorful abandon.

Billy had gone through hell and Rick wasn't sure that he was fully back or would ever recover whole again. No one, not even him, could survive all that he had and not be permanently scarred and Rick feared that most of all, that the Billy who was the ebullient man he knew had died back in his prison, had been driven out by unrelenting pain and suffering. The physical damage was obvious and would eventually heal if slowly, but what wasn't obvious was the damage to Billy's mind, to the spirit that made Billy who he was.

Consciousness would be the only way that damage would finally reveal itself and Rick felt cowardly for being so afraid to see that emergence and questioned whether it would be the cruelest cut of all for Billy if he came back as less than the man he was.


	2. Chapter 2

**Denial then Acceptance**

**Part 2:**

_Billy awoke with a start, the first thing that registered was that he was aflame with pain and he groaned, but as he tried to curl into it, he found his arms tied to a wall above his head and he couldn't move. He felt a chill that only made the pain that much more fresh and relentless. He then noticed that he was shirtless. He looked to find where some of the pain was coming from to assess how hurt he was and he found bruises, cuts, and blood on his torso, needle mark trails at the crooks of both of his arms. His breathing was rapid, trying to gain some control over the pain, but failing._

"_Comfortable?" A voice asked._

_Billy looked up to follow it and saw a man that he thought was dead, emerge from the shadows, his old partner at the British Secret Service._

"_Eddie?" Billy said. "I must be hallucinating…you're dead…"_

"_Nah, mate, only made you think I was. I work for the other side now," Eddie said casually, as if declaring himself a traitor didn't even matter to him._

"_What?" Billy asked, pain and confusion muddling everything._

"_I know the drugs have made you a bit clouded, but pay attention now. I defected, you see?"_

_When Billy heard the words, the feeling of betrayal raged into his muscles and veins, intermingling with the pain until he couldn't distinguish them. _

"_You bloody bastard! You're the mystery man hiding in the shadows like the coward you are! You traitorous git!" Billy tried to say with vehemence in his voice, but the attempt at communicating his rage was lost in his fading strength and what he knew was his failing health, only a rasp of indignation came out of his sore throat._

"_I prefer to call it taking a better job offer, aye? I was really undervalued back at British Secret Service."_

"_You're starkers!" Billy said, incredulous at Eddie's casual demeanor._

"_Think that if you like, if it makes you feel better, but denying it won't change things."_

_Billy had to admit the pain and the drugs were making it difficult for him to focus, but he couldn't deny Eddie's presence in front of him and could only wish that he could blot out the words he was hearing._

"_I heard you died in prison."_

"_Was supposed to believe that, mate, it took me off the radar, yeh?"_

_Billy's face contorted both from pain and from a disgust at having mourned the loss of a friend, a friend who was no more dead than he was, although at the moment he felt a lot closer to it, and of the agony of the guilt he had felt for having left a friend behind. It had all been a sham and a waste. Billy now wondered if the loss of his own career because of it had also been a waste, but he immediately knew that it hadn't been._

_If he hadn't been deported to the States, he'd never have the career he had now, with mates, true mates, who believed in the same things he did and for whom he would die for, no, he couldn't regret anything that had brought him back to the life he loved with people worth doing it for._

"_Well, then, let's just keep the charade going, aye? Seeing that you took such pains to fake your death. Far as I'm concerned, you're still dead to me."_

"_Ah, now there's the spit of my mate."_

"_I'm NOT your mate."_

"_No, no, I guess you're not," Eddie said, almost regrettably._

"_So cut to chase, what's all this about, aye? If you think that I'm going to talk –"_

"_Oh, no, you forget, I know you like I know the back of my own hand, mate. You're the most stubborn bastard on the planet when it comes to loyalty, to Queen and Country and to the CIA now, is it?"_

"_What then? Practicing for a new career, are you now? Torture, is it?"_

_Billy clenched, his eyes closed and his body rattled with spasms of pain. He couldn't stop the moaning._

"_I guess you could call it that. I have ventured into a new line of work, see? Did some actual studying, got me some schooling with the help of my compatriots. Got a degree even. In chemistry –"_

"_Ah, I see where this is going," Billy smiled weakly._

"_Do you? Because I don't think you have any idea."_

"_So you telling me that what's coursing through my veins right now isn't your handiwork?" Billy asked, not really needing an answer._

"_Oh, it's my work all right, but I think you're missing the point about why you're here."_

_Billy watched and listened to Eddie and he saw something in his eyes, a kind of emptiness, a vacancy of emotions, a lack of compassion; madness, perhaps, that had been allowed to fester for six years._

"_You've gone rogue, haven't you? This, what you're doing to me, it's not sanctioned is it?"_

_A broad smile appeared on his face._

"_It took a long time to find you, you know? After they sacked you, they put your records under seal, but we have very good hackers here. I paid someone off to help me. When he got your records –"_

"_You killed him, didn't you?" Billy said, shock registering on his face._

"_No loose ends, right?"_

"_So this is some kind of payback, is it?" Billy asked._

"_Finding you after that was easy peasy," Eddie taunted._

"_Just tell me what you want, Eddie!" Billy demanded weakly only to bring on an onslaught of pain._

_Eddie just smiled._

"_Your soul, Liam. I want your soul."_

**ChaosChaosChaos**

Rick watched over Billy and occasionally glanced at the monitors. His vitals were stable and because he had head injuries, they had added an additional assault by wiring him up to an EEG. It was reassuring to see everything leaping with lively activity, but he would have given just about everything to hear Billy's voice versus the sounds of the machines showing that he was still alive.

The brain waves were literally dancing wildly on the screen. He asked a doctor about what it all meant, what it showed and he had told him that it was showing Billy in REM sleep, dreaming. If the meager signs of Billy's hands twitching every once in awhile, or curling into fists and even an imperceptible stiffening of his body were any indication, the dreams were vivid. The doctors said that any further sedation would be akin to putting him into a medically induced coma and they weren't ready to commit to that yet. Rick and the others were grateful for that bit of conservative medical care. Casey even mocked that Billy didn't need any more help sleeping.

Rick could only watch and stare, feeling the guilt pressing so firmly into his chest that he would have to take the occasional deep and halting breath because he hadn't noticed holding it for so long.

"I'm sorry for being late," Rick said, the emotions clogging his throat. "Casey hates apologies, that we could only get there when we could get there. I'm glad that he can rationalize, but after seeing you…what they did to you…"

Rick took that breath.

"We should've gotten there sooner. I don't know how we could have, but we should have."

**ChaosChaosChaos**

_Billy couldn't help himself. He laughed. Even though it brought wave after wave of pain, mixed with the laughter it created a whole new sound, a pathetic combination of mirth and mewling which only fueled his laughter._

"_What are laughing about?" Eddie asked, irritation transforming to anger in his voice. "I think YOU'RE the one who's gone starkers here, mate. I don't think you realize the gravity of the situation you're in."_

"_Oh, I do, believe me, I understand the gravity and the sheer lunacy of all of this," Billy smiled, pain cutting through it. "You want my soul, Eddie, but I've already sold it, mate lock, stock and barrel, you see? And not even to the highest bidder like you did. What you see here is just an empty vessel where a soul used to be."_

"_Bollocks that. I know that you haven't surrendered your precious principles, your high horse moral ground. More importantly, I know that you still feel guilt, as you should, for taking everything from me, for taking Emma away from me."_

_It was then that the laughter petered out; ragged, struggling breathing replaced it._

"_What…are you…talking about?" Billy asked, his confidence slipping away from him along with his strength as the pain rushed in to take their places. "I had nothing…to do with Emma leaving you…she saw through you like a polished pane of glass, long before I saw your duplicity, a sharp lass, that one. You didn't deserve her. Neither of us did."_

"_Ah and that's the point. You didn't deserve her and yet she chose you."_

_Eddie's anger deepened and Billy saw once again, the madness that he had spotted earlier. There was revenge there, bright as day and now Billy saw what was driving it like a freight train towards him._

**ChaosChaosChaos**

"How's he doing?" Michael asked Rick as he approached him and patted him on the back.

Rick had only left Billy's side when visiting hours were done and even after them, he would only go home to shower and change and eat the cafeteria food when he was hungry which wasn't very much or very often.

Michael recognized the ragged features of exhaustion. He had been there too many times to count not to see it. He also knew that no one could keep him from it until he had faced the limitations straight on. He knew that Rick was reaching his threshold and all he could do was be there when the crash happened.

"The doctors say his stats are good," Rick scoffed. "What the hell does that mean anyway?"

"It means that Billy's fighting and getting better."

Rick looked over at Billy and couldn't convince himself of that.

"Does it?"

"Don't go by appearances, Rick. For as long as I have known Billy, he has defied the odds. He doesn't know how to surrender."

"Doesn't mean he won't now. When I think about what he went through…it seems impossible that a human could survive or would want to after…"

"I thought you knew Billy better than that," Michael scolded softly.

Rick looked at him, confused.

"He's only a man, like we all are. The things they put him through…"

"Of course, he's a man, but Billy's will borders on superhuman. I've seen him come through things, mentally and physically, that would have destroyed other men so until he tells us himself he's done, whether it's with his own words or…" Michael trailed off hesitantly. "We have to believe that he's fighting and I won't give up on him until then."

Rick nodded.

"Okay."

Michael sat next to Rick.

"I know how you feel, believe me. I can't tell you how many times I've gone over it all in my head what I could have done differently to get to Billy sooner, but doing that doesn't help Billy and it doesn't change anything. Capture and torture are always very real possibilities in this line of work. I know you know that, but it's one thing to know it. It's completely another to go through it. All of us have gone through it at least once, Billy, more than that. I can only hope that you'll never have to, but if you do, I hope that the belief that we'll get to you will be enough to keep you alive. I know that Billy has that belief and in a way, his knowing that, his unshakeable conviction in that knowledge comforts both Casey and me when we fall short. He'll tell you that all that mattered to him was that we got to him and got him out, it is…but I'll always blame myself for not getting to him sooner."

Rick listened and felt guilty for ignoring that the ODS is a team effort, that rescues aren't one-man operations. They had all contributed their part to getting to Billy, to saving him, but the reality of it was it's not like the movies. Rescues don't happen in a two-hour time span and in a neat and tidy happy ending. They take planning, control, even when your mind and body are vibrating with urgency. He knew that it was Michael's talent to be calm under pressure, to apply his fevered brain to the task and formulate the necessary plan and it was Casey's talent to remove any and all obstacles to making that plan come to fruition. He knew his talent was translation, but what good did that do in an English-speaking situation? He just then becomes extra muscle and he knew that he had shortcomings where that was concerned. So, he felt he should have contributed more, felt that he hadn't and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't get past his frustration about it.

"I know you did the best you could. We all did, but seeing him like this, I can't help imagining all he'd been put through and that maybe he wondered if we were ever coming, that maybe he stopped believing…"

"Not Billy, Rick. I **know** that he never stopped believing we were coming for him and I know that he'd have done everything to stay alive until we got to him. Billy isn't a quitter even when his captors try to break him by telling him that we had abandoned him, it's a common tactic, to break a person's will that way, but he would never let them. He'd accept dying before he'd accept defeat."

Rick watched Michael defend Billy's conviction towards them and felt ashamed for his doubts. He thought he was being sympathetic, but he saw the truth now. He was preparing himself for the worst and hoped that by taking the blame he could somehow make himself feel better. He wasn't doing anything for Billy and he didn't need to. Billy had all he needed.

**ChaosChaosChaos**

_Billy was finding it hard to stay conscious. It would have been easier to answer where he didn't feel pain versus where he did. Even then, he would be hard-pressed to concentrate on where he didn't hurt. He looked at his captor, someone who he had once called his mate, and couldn't see that man anymore. All he could see now was an embittered man bound and determined to exact revenge on him. In some ways, Billy believed that he had a right to that revenge, but deep down the evil had lain in wait to emerge and all it had taken to let it go free was the loss of a good woman. Billy had to smile at the Shakespearean nature of it all. Shakespeare did know how to get to the very heart of things._

"_What are you smiling at?" Eddie yelled._

"_I'm thinking about how deluded you are, how we both were."_

"_Stop talking in riddles!"_

"_Emma could have made better men of us both, but being the stupid gits we were, we chose to destroy ourselves instead."_

_Eddie's expression flared with rage and he punched Billy in the abdomen. Billy tried to prepare for the blow as Casey had taught him, but at best he mollified it to a glancing blow. With his body a complete raw nerve, even a touch seemed to ignite agony and he grunted._

"_She would have been better off with me!" Eddie yelled again._

"_No, mate, she was better off without us both."_

"_No, she was better off DEAD!"_

_Billy reacted as if he had been struck, the words punching him in the throat without Eddie raising a hand to him._

"_What?" Billy said with hushed shock._

"_You heard me," Eddie spat out._

"_You're lying. You're a lying bastard!" Billy yelled back, his anger drowning out the pain in his body._

_Eddie then flashed a satisfied grin._

"_See? There's the Liam I know. You might pretend to not care, you might stand there and act like you're impervious, above the baser emotions, the baser acts but I know better. I know how to reach those weaknesses."_

_Billy took in a cleansing breath to calm himself._

"_Brilliant, there, mate. You had me going there. Good on you, but you can think whatever you like, do whatever you want to me, but it won't help you get out of this. My mates will make sure of that."_

"_Ooo, your mates, right. Where are they now, aye?" Eddie taunted, then his expression went cold with an icy satisfaction. "And who said I was lying? About Emma?"_

_Billy did his best to hold back any more outbursts, inwardly cursing himself for allowing his emotions to best him against an enemy, especially an enemy who used to be a friend._

"_You're not going to bait me again, Eddie."_

"_Bait you? I just revealed your true colors, yeh? Emma just happens to be both our Achilles Heels, but just like she is that, she is also the one thing that could hurt us both."_

_Eddie flashed a signal to one of his men. A chill ran down Billy's spine, the kind of dread that he had learned never to distrust because it had unfortunately never failed him. At that moment, he would have given anything for it to be wrong._

_He then heard sounds of struggle, high pitched, feminine. His face betrayed his realization and shock._

_A woman, bruised, squealing in both fear and defiance as well as fighting against her restrainers, was hauled into the room. Billy's fears went straight to his stomach and he thought he was going to throw up. Emma._

"_You sadistic BASTARD! Let her go!" He yelled._

"_AH, see, there it is again, your greatest vulnerability, that caring bleeding heart of yours."_

_One of the men tore off the duct tape on Emma's mouth, her own struggle ending with her realization of whom she was seeing._

"_Liam?"_

_Billy's gaze softened as his eyes began to fill with tears despite his best efforts to keep them at bay. He could only just nod._

"_Oh my God, what's he doing to you?"_

_The sound of her concerned voice washed over him like a warm and comforting blanket over the chills he was feeling._

"_Guess I'll leave you two lovebirds to catch up, aye?"_

_One of Eddie's men released Billy from his bonds and he fell unceremoniously to the floor, his legs unable to hold him up. Another man released Emma's bonds and she went straight to Billy. She turned back and gave Eddie a quick venomous stare. Eddie just smiled and walked out of the room, locking the door behind him._

_Emma tried to help Billy up, but he shook his head groaning all the while as he pushed himself up to a sitting position. He unintentionally slammed against the wall as he lost his balance and the impact made his sight black out for a second. Once he settled down, he looked over at Emma, his eyes swollen again with tears, both from pain and regret. He reached out with his left hand and she took it without reservation. She kissed it and then held it to her cheek._

"_I thought you were dead, Liam," she mewled._

"_I'm sorry, Em. I'm so sorry…The Liam you knew IS dead and should have stayed that way."_

"_You have nothing to be sorry for, not for what Eddie's doing –"_

"_It's because of me this is happening, Em, his hatred for me…"_

"_For both of us."_

"_Doesn't matter, love, all that matters is that I get you out of here. Are you all right?"_

"_I'm fine. I'm just a bit banged up. Eddie didn't bet on my not going quietly."_

_Billy smiled._

"_You were always feisty," he said._

"_Yeh, among other things as you well know," she teased with a raised eyebrow._

"_Indeed I do," Billy stiffened with pain, trying to smile._

"_What's he done to you?"_

"_I've had worse done to me. This is nothing," Billy said. "As long as you're all right…"_

"_I'm all right," Emma said as she crawled over closer to Billy._

_She tried to assess his injuries, but he stiffened and shook his head._

"_Not that I don't appreciate it, love, but I've been worked over right proper and at the moment, I'm barely keeping things in check, yeh?"_

"_This is madness," she said, distress in her voice that cut to Billy's heart._

"_Aye, it is and I'm afraid Eddie is as well. I'm sorry you have to be in this mess."_

"_Stop it, Liam, you didn't do this. I know that with my heart."_

_Billy sighed at the sound of her forgiveness even when he felt he didn't deserve it._

"_What happened? I mean I know what happened to you. Damned injustice is what it was. I knew it, everyone who knew you knew it."_

"_Not so sure about that."_

_She smiled at him and giggled lightly._

"_One thing Eddie's right about, is that bleeding heart of yours. You took the fall for him and still, you don't blame anyone but yourself and think you should be punished. And for what? For being a good mate? For being loyal to the British Secret Service? British can't wipe their own arses is more like it, if you ask me."_

_Billy smiled wide. It was the first time that he had felt liberated from his circumstances, fleeting, as he knew it was. _

"_God, how I've missed you," he said._

_Emma blushed. "And I, you. Why didn't you contact me when you got deported?"_

_Billy demurred. "I thought it was best to let everything –"_

"_And every ONE go? Why? I'm a bit insulted that you'd think –"_

"_You deserved better. You deserved to move on. Most of all, you deserve to be happy. I'd only be a reminder of what…"_

"_Of what? Because if you're going to say of how you failed, that's a load of rubbish."_

_She retook his hand into hers and stroked it._

"_I'd've gone with you in a heartbeat –"_

"_All the best then that I didn't call."_

"_Liam, don't know what you're remembering, but for me, there was no one better than you. I loved you…I still love you."_

_Billy sighed at the words._

"_How can you love a man who's put you in danger like this?"_

"_How many times do I have to say it to get it through that thick head of yours? You didn't cause this. If anyone's at fault here, it's me. I should never have let Eddie think he could have any part of my heart."_

_Billy squeezed her hand and smiled. "Headstrong as always."_

"_I think you called it being pigheaded."_

_Billy laughed, but he paid the price for it._

_He let go of her hand as his body arched in pain and he gulped in a deep breath._

"_Liam, tell me what I can do for you," she said, distressed that upon reuniting with the love of her life he would be in such agony._

_Billy let the spasm work its way through this whole body then as he relaxed a little, he smiled._

"_You're already doing it, love. I never thought I'd see you again and even if this is all a hallucination, I welcome the joy it brings to know you don't hate me for all that I have done."_

_She gave him a sympathetic gaze._

"_I could never hate you and you're not hallucinating. I'm here."_

_The declaration should have made him happy, but the spy in him knew that she being captured with him only meant that she was in as much danger as he was. It would have been easy to face Eddie alone, with no one at risk but himself. With Emma there, he knew that Eddie in his unstable state of mind could use her to get to him and Billy had to find a way to keep that from happening. He had to save her, but he honestly didn't know how to do it._

_The years hadn't diminshed the love he felt for her and seeing her, hearing her express that she, too, had never stopped loving him had selfishly fed his ego. Deep down he knew that he couldn't let the emotion cloud his judgment because he was already compromised to the point that if push came to shove, he wasn't sure he possessed the needed strength to overtake Eddie or his men alone. _

_Billy was afraid. _

_Eddie had played him well. He may be stark raving mad, but he knew Billy's vulnerabilities and was effectively using them against him. Eddie's hatred for the both of them only fed his madness. It was the x-factor that made the situation difficult to impossible to antipate._

_Emma had been the best part of his past life and had been the only thing he had regretted leaving behind. She had given his life meaning, had him see beyond the spy craft and had made him a better man. She was the last person he had wanted to disappoint and when he had been disgraced and deported, he had painfully come to terms with the fact that he had lost her forever and rightfully so. So to hear her say that she had never lost faith in him, that she had believed in him had only deepened his love for her._

_It also made saving her that much more of an imperative._

_"Em, you must promise me something."_

_"I don't like the sound of that."_

_"You must promise me that no matter what Eddie does to me, you won't intervene -"_

_"I will NOT stand by and let him kill you-"_

_"You must."_

_"Liam, I just got you back and I won't give you up without a fight."_

_Billy could only smile._

_"You are a pigheaded lass you are."_

_"It's what had you fall in love with me."_

_"Aye, that and more."_

_Billy felt her sidle closer, careful as to not hurt him, but her presence brought immeasureable comfort and a kind of pain relief that no narcotic could ever provide. He sighed and encouraged her nearness, bringing his arm around her, needing her pressed against him. It had been so long. She laid her head on his shoulder and let out a breath. They both fell asleep and as Billy faded into unconsciousness, he allowed himself to forget the six years he had lived without her._

**ChaosChaosChaos**

Rick had been jostled awake by running doctors and nurses. As soon as wakefulness had taken a firmer hold over him he finally realized that they were running into the ICU and towards Billy. When he stood up, he had been joined by Michael and Casey.

"What's happening?" Rick asked as he felt his grogginess being replaced slowly by panic.

"I don't know," Michael said, his own concern growing.

The three men watched and through a small parting of the curtain, Rick spied Billy's eyes and they were open.

"Billy's awake," he said absently.

"What?" Casey said. "How do you know that?"

"I see him through the curtain."

Michael and Casey craned their necks to see if they could catch a glimpse just as one of doctors emerged from it. He walked over to them. Rick was rigid with anticipation and fear.

"What's happened, Doctor?" Michael asked.

"Mr. Collins has regained consciousness and was fighting the ventilator tube so we've removed it."

"Can we see him?"

"In a couple of hours. We gave him a sedative because he was very agitated."

"Well, isn't that how you'd react if you woke up with a tube down your throat?" Casey said glowering.

"The tube was only part of it. He was acting confused, disoriented calling out a woman's name, Emma. Do either of you know her? It might help him if she were here."

"No, no, I don't..." Rick started to say as he turned towards Michael and Casey. He noticed a knowing and surprised expression on Michael's face. "What? What is it?"

"Emma was Billy's...he loved her."

"Well, maybe we should call her?" Rick queried. "Maybe she can help him?"

Michael bowed his head and stalled.

"She can't."

"What do you mean she can't?" Rick asked, his frustration and his need to help Billy escalating.

"She's dead, Rick. She died six years ago. She was killed by the agent that destroyed Billy's career."

TO BE CONTINUED…


	3. Chapter 3

**Denial then Acceptance**

**Part 3:**

The revelation silenced everyone for a moment.

"What?" Rick said.

Michael pondered about revealing more of Billy's past with them, taking into consideration confidentiality, but realized that it was more important for them to understand the pain that Billy was clearly reliving. He was the only one who had known about Billy's past. If Billy's going through PTSD from the torture, he would need all of them to help him.

"Billy's dossier had the details of his deportation. Normally, I'd keep it confidential, but I'm worried that Billy might be suffering PTSD from what was done to him and he's going to need all of our support to get him through it."

"I'll do anything you ask to help him, Michael. Just tell me what to do," Rick volunteered without any hesitation.

"Make that the both of us," Casey said just as quickly and with the same conviction of commitment.

Michael smiled with pride at the men he had considered a privilege to lead and serve alongside. He then took a glance at the man suffering so much, obliviously sleeping for now yet facing terrors no good man should have to face, but he wouldn't face them alone. Billy had come to the ODS needing a purpose and had more than returned Michael's investment in him. Seeing him through the horror of not only the torment he had been subjected to, but also bringing him back through the looking glass of a despaired and in Michael's opinion unjust disavowal from his country was an honor.

"Okay, so we're on the same page."

Rick and Casey nodded practically in unison.

**ChaosChaosChaos**

Billy had awakened hours later with Michael sitting next to his bed.

Since they couldn't gauge at what timeline he would emerge, Michael felt that he'd be the less traumatic presence. He had to hope that Billy would recognize him and that he would ease him back with as many relevant facts as he could without overwhelming him.

Billy looked around him and saw Michael's face. His expression was one of emotional exhaustion. He grimaced with pain and it didn't go unnoticed.

"Are you all right?" Michael asked. "Do you need a doctor?"

Billy slowly shook his head in response. Michael couldn't read through the pain and fatigue if Billy had recognized him.

"What happened?" Billy finally spoke.

"What do you remember?" Michael asked.

There was a long pause.

"I'm not sure."

"Well, then let's start with the basics –"

"You mean the CIA third degree? The President is Obama and I work with the best men I've ever known. You mean those basics?" Billy teased.

Michael had never felt so much comfort and relief in a few spoken words than he had felt at that moment.

"Yeh, those would be the ones. Good to have you back," he said.

"It's good to be alive, yeh? But the way I'm feeling, I'm not so sure how good it is to be conscious," Billy joked tiredly.

"I bet," Michael said, his smile fading a bit.

Billy detected it and knew what Michael was trying to get the courage to ask.

"I know what happened, Michael…I was captured and tortured…the thing that really threw me for a loop was that it was at the hands of my old mate, Eddie and…"

Billy's face then registered panic.

"Oh my God, Emma! Where's Emma? She got captured with me. That right bastard kidnapped her and…damn it, I can't remember anything else…Michael, what happened to Emma?"

Michael's relief dissipated like a draining energy force and he felt the color leave his face.

"What's wrong? What are you not telling me? Where's Emma? You must have found her, she was with me…she fell asleep in my arms…Tell me you found her. Tell me you have that bastard in custody!"

Billy was hysterical and as much as Michael wanted to comfort, he was at a loss as to what words could begin to comfort him. Telling Billy that Emma was dead, that she'd been dead for six years and that he only imagined her alive through a drug induced hallucination or lie to him and tell him that she was still alive, that they had captured his nemesis friend. The former would be the painful truth that could send Billy reeling to a place he might never emerge from. The latter would salve his anxiety, but in the end Billy would have to face the truth and Michael couldn't imagine the resentment he might receive from his friend at lying to him, to make him hope that Emma was still alive even if it was to protect his fragile mental state.

It was an impossible moment for Michael, to not have a quick answer, to not have a plan in place and selfishness was driving him to want to choose the lie, to rather have Billy be comforted with it versus being forced to face a truth that clearly he had come to terms with, but that the drugs his captors had injected into him had resurrected for him to endure another round of denial and acceptance.

Luckily, the doctors saved Michael from making the cowardly decision. They came in and sedated him; Billy's fading consciousness left a trail of softly uttered pleas to be told what had happened to the love of his life.

Michael could only sigh in relief and he had never hated feeling that way at the expense of his close friend's sanity as much as he had at that moment.

He walked over to Rick and Casey in the waiting room. They didn't need anyone to tell them that something bad had happened. It was written all over Michael's face.

"What happened?" Rick asked.

"From the look on your face it's nothing good," Casey said bluntly stating the obvious as he had a talent of doing.

"Billy remembers where he is, but…" Michael said as he took in a breath. "He's remembering Emma as still alive and that Eddie was the one who took them both."

"So he's having mixed reality hallucinations?" Casey posited as if he were an expert.

Michael and Rick looked at him curiously.

"I've been reading up on…well, psychological torture. You know, to prepare myself for such an event…" Casey stuttered out, saying it as if the roles had been reversed, he'd have known what to do.

Michael and Rick continued to wait for more detail.

"Those terrorists injected Billy with something that would distort his realities so that they could manipulate him into revealing things without knowing. On the one hand, he's the Billy we know, here and in the present, but he's superimposed people from his past into the roles of his captivity. I don't know anything about what happened to him back when he was with the British Secret Service, but clearly, he's trying to –"

"Change the outcome of the past…" Michael interjected knowing the facts from the dossier.

"That seems likely, but there's a risk that if the drugs clear his system -"

"And the hallucinations don't…" Michael tried to finish, but couldn't bring himself to say it aloud.

"You mean he could stay this way?"

"If he's unable to break through the false reality, deal with the truth of what happened six years ago, we'll lose him for good," Casey said matter of fact even though inwardly, he hated to be the bearer of such devastating news.

"How do we help him?" Rick asked, needing to do something.

"We can keep telling him what really happened. He'll resist at first, but hopefully in time, he'll remember on his own," Casey suggested.

"And if he doesn't?" Rick asked, dread in his voice, as he already knew the answer.

"He'll likely retreat into himself and further into the fantasy world where Emma is still alive and in his mind, still able to be rescued," Casey finished.

They all gave each other knowing looks. Their faith in Billy's strength to overcome any torture was absolute, but the sophistication of the chemicals injected into him may have broken a wall so fully erected that by breaking through it, revealing the comfort of having the love of his life back and alive could be the one broken barrier that would seduce Billy into staying in a false reality permanently because facing that loss again and it seemed obvious to all of the men, facing whatever failures Billy perceived had caused him to lose her would be more than even Billy could bear.

After all, regaining a lost opportunity to get back something as powerful as the love of one's life would be irresistible to a lesser man. To a strong man like Billy, it could be his complete undoing. And what could any of them offer Billy that would be worth facing the horrific loss all over again and coming back to their reality.

All three of them would be hard pressed to blame Billy for wanting to escape them and the harsh truths they would be representative of.

It gave them pause for thought and Rick braved the suggestion.

"Maybe it would better –"

"No, it wouldn't be," Michael said with emotional conviction.

"How do you –"

"Because I know Billy. Right now, all that's important is what Billy wants and he would want the truth, no matter how painful. He wants to be here, not stuck in the past, his mind useless, unable to do the work he loves. He'd rather be dead."

_Flashback_

_Billy and Michael were huddled in a booth of the bar, sharing shots of scotch whisky, each of them dreading the lonely trip back to their apartments, or in Billy's case, hotel room. Discussions about missions past and present went back and forth and then a solemn silence veiled over both of them._

_Billy broke it as he toyed with his shot glass._

"_I've been thinking…ever since Carson's death…" Billy said. "I've come to a decision that you need to know."_

_Michael stiffened with worry that he might be losing another member of his team._

_Billy detected the slight change and smiled._

"_I'm not leaving the ODS, Michael."_

"_What? I knew that."_

"_Right," Billy smiled at Michael's defensiveness. _

"_You know I really hate when you do that."_

"_What? Read you like a book? I consider that my talent, reading people."_

"_I thought your talent was charming people?"_

"_Yes, well, that goes without saying, but in order to charm them you have to have a certain sixth sense, an ability to see past the facades that people put up."_

"_Oh, and you have this ability do you?" Michael teased._

_Billy's face fell just a bit. "Not as often as I'd like. I've had my share of miscues. It's gotten me into a fair bit of trouble in the past which brings me back to my point-"_

"_And that is…"_

"_As I said, Carson's death got me thinking," Billy paused as if trying to find the words, another talent that usually never failed him. "If I should ever get captured –"_

"_We've already talked about-"_

"_No, no, we haven't, not about this," Billy took a swig from his glass as well as a breath. "I know that you and Casey would do everything in your power to get me out and even if not alive, you'd never leave me behind and believe me when I tell you that nothing gives me more comfort as well as strength than knowing that."_

"_Then what?"_

"_We both know that capture usually comes with torture, our collective nemeses never seem satisfied to keep to the old school methods. Chemical warfare not only plotted against our bodies, but also against our minds are constant threats."_

_Billy's expression fell further and Michael wondered what was weighing so heavily on his mind._

"_When I was in the British Secret Service, I lost a mate to capture and torture. I had reached him too late. I do blame myself and always will, but that's not the point I'm trying to make. He had been brutalized in a way that had left him not only physically damaged, but mentally disfigured as well. He wasn't the man I knew. He had to be institutionalized, his mind was so disoriented that no matter how much truth was given to him, he could never accept it."_

"_I'm sorry, Billy."_

"_I watched him slowly shatter before my eyes, forever lost to everyone he knew, locked in a world that I can't even imagine…" Billy's expression went far away for a second, but then returned. "I want you to promise me that if that ever happened to me –"_

"_It won't."_

_Billy smiled. _

"_Not even the great Michael Dorset can promise such a thing and I would never ask that of you. In our line of work, that torture is inevitable. I just need you to know that if I'm ever found to be emotionally broken, do not institutionalize me. I'd rather be dead than locked away. Do whatever it takes to bring me back, but failing that...if I fail to emerge back to this reality, I want you to promise me that you'll leave a gun in my hands and walk away."_

_Michael was a bit shocked by the declaration. _

"_Billy, I –"_

"_I know I'm asking a lot from you, but my mind is my trade and my comfort. If I were to lose it, I would rather not live. I would NEVER ask you or Casey to take me out of my misery. That wouldn't be fair to either of you. I would never ask you to do something that would most assuredly scar you and keep you from continuing to do good work. All I need to know and believe me it will bring me as much comfort as knowing you'd never leave me behind is that you'd respect my wishes on this."_

_Michael looked at Billy, hoping he'd see clouded judgment from the scotch, but Billy's eyes were clear and his resolve evident._

"_I still maintain that it will never come to that, but all right, I promise."_

_Billy smiled._

"_I thank you."_

Michael took in a breath as he faced going into the room. The doctors had emphasized keeping Billy calm. He hoped that he would accomplish this particularly personal mission with as much mercy as he could muster.

Billy was awake, if a little groggy. Michael had never felt so afraid to fail. So much was riding on helping Billy back from the brink of madness. The doctors couldn't determine how long the drugs had been in Billy's system or what long-term damage they had caused. It was up to Michael to do that, to either guide Billy back to this reality and force him to leave the security of someone he loved in a fantasy world or hand him a gun to end his existence in both worlds. Michael could understand the seduction. There were many moments where he would have chosen to stay in a blissfully ignorant past over living with a painful reality, but he knew what Billy wanted, what Billy valued most and that was his sanity, the clarity of it no matter how agonizing the truth was. Michael was determined to help Billy regain it. Failure would mean doing something he wasn't sure he could do despite his promise.

He walked over to the bed and Billy turned. He gave him a reassuring smile as only Billy could offer.

"Ah, our fearless leader," Billy said indicating nothing wrong in his weakened voice.

"How are you feeling, Billy?"

"I'm afraid I'm far from 100%."

"It's understandable given all you've gone through," Michael evaded the details.

"Aye, such is the risk of the work, yeh?" Billy said.

The familiarity of the admission no longer held the comfort it had when Billy had declared it in the past now it was just a painful memory.

"I'm sorry it took so long to get to you," Michael said sincerely, regret riddled through his voice.

"No need to apologize, Michael. I had every confidence you would come. That's never been in question," Billy said with a smile.

"What do you remember?" Michael treaded hesitantly.

"I remember..." Billy said, his face reflecting confusion and struggle.

"It doesn't matter. Just take it easy."

Billy's expression then contorted in distress.

"Billy? Are you okay? Do you need a doctor?"

"Eddie...He's alive. He was there. He..."

Michael was then filled with concern and disappointment for Billy's continued mental confusion. He just wanted to leave and not strain him any further by making him remember more false memories.

"Emma! Michael, where's Emma? She was with me. She's in danger!"

As Billy became more agitated, Michael calmly took Billy's shoulders to steady him.

"Billy, listen to me, Emma wasn't there. Eddie wasn't either. The drugs the terrorists gave you just made you think they were there."

Billy became more distressed and confused.

"No, no, I saw them there. Eddie defected and blamed Emma for choosing me!"

Doctors and nurses heard the commotion and tried to help, but Billy continued to resist.

"Billy, please -" Michael pleaded.

"Tell me you have Emma. She's in danger."

Michael saw the pain on Billy's face and knew that he had to break it in the worst possible yet necessary method. The truth dished out directly without mincing it with softening prefaces, coldly delivered, without reservation. It would be the way Billy would want it given to him.

"Billy, she wasn't there because she died six years ago."

Billy's eyes went wide with shock and Michael felt that he was no better than Billy's torturers. It seemed cruel to make Billy face something that had caused so much pain.

"You're lying!"

"I wish I were. Believe me, lying to you would be easier for both of us, but I know you, Billy, you would want the truth. You told me you wanted me to tell you the truth, remember? You told me you'd rather be dead than lose your mind, to lose your sense of reality."

Billy looked as if someone had punched him.

"I'm sorry, sir, you have to leave. We have to sedate Mr. Collins. He's hurting himself."

Michael backed out of the room reluctantly, trying to keep eye contact with Billy, hoping that something inside of him would see Michael's anguished desire to help him back to reality.

Billy didn't break the eye contact as well and despite every cell in his body telling him he had seen Emma alive, the earnest pain on his friend's face made him question himself and though the pull to want to believe Emma was alive was overwhelming, something else inside of him was pulling him in the opposite direction, knowing that Michael would never betray him with such a cruel lie.

Suddenly, the effects of the sedative was slowly relaxing him, tunneling his vision towards darkness.

Michael watched his friend drift into unconsciousness and go limp. All he could feel was that he had left Billy behind, breaking a promise he had made to him that he'd never do that.

Michael walked into the waiting room, looking pained and in a daze. Rick and Casey went up to him just as he sat heavily into a chair.

"What happened?" Rick asked.

"I feel like Brutus," Michael said tiredly.

"No, Michael, you didn't betray Billy, you told him the truth that he needed to hear, that he made you promise to always tell him. It's easy to lie to someone, but it takes courage to tell the truth especially when it's painful," Rick comforted.

"Thanks, Rick. I hope you're right. Right now, I feel no better than the terrorists who did this to him."

"That's ridiculous and you know it, Michael. Billy knows it too. You're not giving him much credit for his ability to understand the difference. I know that he does and with time, when the poison they put into his system wears off, he'll tell you that you did the right thing."

Michael smiled at Casey's pragmatism.

"That's pretty philosophical for you."

"It's not philosophy, it's fact."

"Duly noted," Michael said with a smile and a sigh. "I hope you're right."

"I know I am and I know Billy. You should too."

**ChaosChaosChaos**

Billy had been given enough sedative to calm him down. He felt loopy, but it wasn't enough to put him asleep.

He pondered Michael's words and his thoughts strayed to that night in the bar. He had remembered their conversation. He had asked Michael to do an unthinkable favor for him back then. He had hoped that he would never have to put Michael in that position, to redeem that favor and yet here he was unaware that he was as mentally impaired as he had feared back then.

Billy was in turmoil. He couldn't decipher what of his memories were real and what were manufactured. Seeing Eddie taunting him with the injections, talking to Emma, it all brought real emotions, it all felt so real and yet Michael was telling him it was all a hallucination, that it was all a lie. Emma was already dead, had been dead for six years. He so wanted that to be the lie, but he couldn't convince himself of it.

So he let the sedative seep into him, to lift his mind into atmospheric oblivion, but it fell just short of obliterating either memory.

Then someone walked in. He turned and saw Michael again. He had never seen the leader who he had pledged his full fidelity to look so frightened. He had to make him know that he didn't hold him to blame for what had happened earlier.

"I'm sorry," he said.

"You don't owe-"

"Yeh, mate, I do. I know you were just keeping your promise and I'm sorry for putting you in such an awful position."

"You remember?"

"Yeh, I just never expected that you'd have to actually..."

"It's okay, neither did I. I wish the circumstances were different."

"You and me both, mate. I have to be honest, I'm still not sure what to believe..." Billy said, "but I believe that you're telling me the truth. I know that you wouldn't lie to me...I just..."

Billy couldn't stop his body from trembling. He felt pain radiating throughout his body and he felt cold.

"Billy? What's wrong?"

"I'm not feeling so well," Billy said as he clenched his eyes closed.

"I'll get a doctor," Michael said as he rushed out of the room.

When Billy opened his eyes again, he saw Emma there, smiling at him.

"Emma?"

She just continued to smile.

"Am I dying? Have you come for me then?"

Then all Billy remembered was Emma's hand reaching out for him and being unable to grasp it.

Darkness enveloped him again.

**TO BE CONTINUED**


	4. Chapter 4

**Denial then Acceptance**

**Part 4:**

The doctor came into the waiting room. All three men stood up, worried expressions on their faces.

"I'm afraid Mr. Collins has developed a fever. We think an infection has set in."

"How bad is it?" Casey asked.

"I'm afraid it's become life threatening. He's also hallucinating again, the fever is probably contributing to his already compromised mental condition."

"What was he saying?" Rick asked.

"He was calling out for Emma again," the doctor answered. "The combination of the sedative and infection has weakened him so he was less agitated."

"What's the prognosis?" Rick asked again.

"We'll have to wait and see how he responds to the antibotics and if they defeat the infection."

All the men were speechless, unable to come up with anything else to ask about in order to keep their collective hopes alive.

"Thank you, Doctor," Michael said as he sat back down again, burying his face into his hands.

The doctor walked away silently.

"I know what you're thinking. You didn't cause this," Casey said.

"I certainly didn't help him by forcing him to face an unpleasant truth that upset him. I should have waited."

"He asked you questions so how could you have helped him by lying to him?" Casey asked. "Eventually you would have had to tell him the truth and telling him that after misleading him with lies would only have made it worse."

"And besides, Billy understood, he said so himself and the infection was probably already in the works anyway," Rick assured.

"It doesn't matter. None of it does, the only thing that does is Billy coming out of this whole again," Casey emphasized.

"I hope he does," Michael said, his hope waning.

"Okay, you know things are bad when I'm the optimistic one," Casey teased with frustration.

Michael and Rick couldn't help, but smile.

"Billy **will** survive this," Casey emphasized in a way that the other men couldn't disbelieve.

The men had decided that they wouldn't leave Billy alone, to give the fantasy any chance of taking hold, to keep reminding him, no matter how painful that he belonged with them and not with Emma.

Rick was in Billy's room and could only watch helplessly as he heard Billy moaning and take breaths so filled with exhaustion that it made him ache.

Billy then stirred and awoke looking disoriented. He saw Rick sitting in a chair next to the bed and smiled with recognition.

"Ah, you look more worse for the wear than I do, lad."

"I find that really hard to believe," Rick countered with a soft smile communicating relief as he stood up and walked over to the bed.

"Perhaps, that would be a bit of a stretch," Billy said, his mouth parched.

Rick saw his need and grabbed a cup of ice chips and carefully fed them to Billy.

"Thank you," Billy sighed after he allowed them to dissolve.

Billy saw the veiled distress underneath the boyish fear and felt sympathy and guilt for being at the root of it.

"I'm sorry for scaring you like that -" he said, not knowing what would be the right thing to say.

"Don't be sorry. You were tortured. We didn't get to you in time and they…they had too much time to do this to you…" Rick said the agonized guilt fully bloomed in his voice. "It was my fault."

"Rubbish, if I know anything at all, I know that to be untrue. You did all you could, all of you. Even one's best efforts isn't always enough, it's no one's fault. The villains win sometimes. In many ways I'm glad it was me instead of you. If there is a saving grace in all of this, it's that."

"How can you say that? You were put through things I can't even imagine –"

"And I'd rather you never do. Can't promise it can be always prevented, but I can at least be glad that it was this time."

Rick's eyes began to well and he couldn't stop them. Hearing that Billy was glad that he was suffering to spare him the experience seemed beyond noble and it only made Rick's failure all the more pointed.

Billy noticed and tried to bore home his conviction.

"You did nothing wrong, lad. I know it because I'm here and I'm alive. The rest is just overcoming some insignificant setbacks is all. You brought me back. I'm among friends. I'm not suffering anymore. It's all a man can hope for and more. This…" Billy emphasized as he patted Rick's hand. "This is real."

Billy took in a breath as he looked beyond Rick's shoulder and saw Emma standing there smiling at him.

"Thanks," Rick said in hushed tones.

"Aye, I think I need my beauty rest now."

Billy closed his eyes and his body relaxed into the bed. Rick watched him drift off and sat back down in his chair, pondering Billy's words. They seemed so lucid and they had given him renewed reason to hope.

_Billy woke up again later and saw Rick asleep in his chair, crumpled uncomfortably. He could only smile._

_He then felt a presence next to him and he looked up. Emma. He smiled at first._

"_Ah, there you are, lass. Haunting me with your beauty as you should."_

"_Billy, why are you still here? Come with me. There is nothing more for you here. You have served your men well, but at the cost of being away from home, from me. You needn't suffer any longer. I can relieve it."_

"_Would that you could darling, but you've been gone from me for six years. I know that now. It was the drugs that were muddling up my mind, but I know that I belong here with these men, these fine lads who faced danger and who risked their lives to bring me back. I owe them more than my life. I owe them my soul and I'd gladly give both to save them."_

_Billy took Emma's hand and though knowing it was an illusion, he allowed himself to be deceived one last time._

"_Much as I love you with all my heart and I always will, I have much to do here with my mates. In my own way, I avenge your death every time I defeat an enemy and in the small fantasy I do allow myself, I convince myself that I saved you instead of failed you."_

_She smiled at him._

_"I have to let you go, love."_

_She bent down and gave him a chaste kiss. He closed his eyes to savor the illusion one more time. When he opened them, Emma was gone and Rick was staring at him in her place. His expression was trembling with trepidation._

"Are you all right?" He asked.

It saddened Billy to see Rick so unsure of himself and of him.

"Fear not, lad, madness hasn't seized me, not yet. I know that Emma is an illusion, an apparition from my past falsely created to break me of my will and sanity. I know that she no longer lives...I failed her, you see, but I'm not seeking to join her...I just needed to say good bye for the last time..."

"Oh, I..."

"I won't lie to you, mate, I'm not back from wonderland just yet, I have hurdles to overcome, but with your help, Casey's and Michael's as well, I think I can come back through the looking glass."

Billy twitched with pain. He was pale from pain and fever and Rick continued to worry.

"I'm sorry about Emma."

"Aye, lad, so am I. So am I."

The few weeks that had followed had been a roller coaster for Billy, gains and setbacks jockeyed for dominance, pushing Billy to the brink.

A week ago, Billy had turned gravely for the worse, fever spiking dangerously, delirium in full force, his breathing bordering on hyperventilation.

The doctors weren't sure that Billy would make it and had instructed each of the men that it might be wise to say their good byes, that by doing so would have been the humane thing to do, giving Billy permission to stop struggling, to let go.

Each man refused and instead were resolved to remain present and give Billy the needed tether to remain with them.

Still there was one day when that resolve wavered.

Rick, watched Billy whimper with pain and effort, felt that maybe Billy did need to be told to let go.

"Billy, it's okay, you know? I know we've been trying to…no, forcing you to fight, but I'm not sure…"

Billy smiled through his panting breaths.

"What? You…giving up on me, are you?" Billy teased.

"No, never, but sometimes there's a certain point when asking you to keep on suffering feels wrong and I…"

Billy felt compassion for Rick and appreciative of his offer to release to him.

"I…understand and appreciate the mercy you're offering me…but my choice to fight…don't know any other way, lad…was raised you fight until you can't no more. If I truly can't…go on…it will be my body letting go…not my will…only then…will all of us be forced to yield…"

Rick nodded.

"I wish I could do something."

"You can…lad…just talk to me, keep me focused, keep me here in the present."

"Are you still having the hallucinations?" Rick asked, worried that Billy had been putting on a front for the last couple of weeks.

"No, no, they seem to be gone…but I'm not one to take things on face value…paranoid, yeh?" Billy smiled.

Rick smiled. "Yeh."

"Now, it's just a matter of…keeping the spirit willing and the flesh fighting, yeh?"

Rick's smile faded a bit.

"How do you do it? Keep going after everything you've lost, after everything that's been done to you?"

Billy sighed, closed his eyes briefly to breathe through a spasm of pain.

"Have no other choice…" Billy said, with a smile and without any resignation in the statement.

Rick gave him a puzzled look.

"This life, for better and for worse, is all there is. One can waste it wallowing…and I have done my share believe me…not painting myself a saint or a martyr here…or one can make themselves useful…cliché as it may be, to make a difference. Shakespeare expressed…such with Hamlet. Our beloved Dane toyed with ending his life, but he had a mission to complete, avenging his father's death. That's how I see my life…an ongoing mission…so when my end finally comes…my own Horatio…" Billy pointedly shifted his gaze towards Rick eyebrows raised, "will tell my story both as inspiration, I hope, as much as cautionary tale."

Rick nodded in understanding and hoped that he would be worthy of such a responsibility.

"And I assure you…I'm doing my best to keep the ending of my tale from finishing prematurely."

Rick smiled again.

"I should let you rest then."

Billy shook his head.

"The thing…you should…already know…about me, lad…is that…mindless chatter…is my forte and my saving grace…"

Billy licked his lips and Rick gave him more ice.

"Thank you…" Billy said. "I'm…also a superb listener…"

Rick smiled. Billy didn't need all of his faculties to realize that Rick had been unable to rid himself of the guilt he still felt about what had happened. Billy kept forgetting that Rick was still a fledgling, a young and idealistic man who may know about the evils that lurk in the hearts of men, but had yet to experience the truly darkest hearts first hand. Billy hoped that he never would as he had told him, but that didn't mean that in his idealistic world, he wouldn't feel empathy for the infliction of such cruelties on someone he cared about and felt responsible for. It was that burden that made Billy admire the young man as much as feel concern for him.

"This…what's happened to me…you still harbor unnecessary guilt, don't you?"

Rick nodded. "Hard not to."

"And fear, I suspect, perhaps that more than the former…your confidence's been shaken," Billy said tiredly.

Rick could only nod.

"I understand…I have been in your proverbial shoes, as it were, every field agent has at one point in their lives. You can't let it remain with you."

"You make it sound so easy," Rick scoffed lightly.

"Far from it, lad, what happened to Emma is the albatross I must bear, but she also drives me to do better, to learn from the mistake I made with her…to honor her sacrifice. It tempers the loss and the guilt if not alleviate it entirely. It reminds me that I was spared to do more good work. To think otherwise would be worse than death and would be defaming her memory."

Billy melted into his bed from the exhaustion of fighting off the infection, perhaps death itself, Rick wondered.

"I was raised to take responsibility for my actions, to take care of my family. It's hard not to take responsibility…"

Billy could only smile at Rick's conviction.

"Your family must be very proud of you, as they should. You're a credit to them," he said, a certain sadness and admiration as well as envy in his voice.

"I'd think the same of your family. You can't be as fiercely determined to save people as you are without having that protective nature instilled in you," Rick said.

Billy closed his eyes in pain for a second then had a dreamy expression on his face.

"Aye, my mother, she was a fiercely loving woman, believed in the charitable nature of people. I could never hope to measure up to standards of compassion, but I learned from her that no matter how you are treated you must rise above it and only in giving compassion do you truly triumph."

Rick smiled.

"She sounds admirable."

"Aye, courageous and loving as well."

"Don't sell yourself short, Billy. You're a credit to her too."

Billy looked at Rick.

"Thank you, lad. I hope so…I'll never know for sure. I lost her a few years ago. She never knew about my new life here…I was afraid she'd still be disappointed in me so I never told her. Amazing how no matter how grown up you become, a mother can still bring you to your knees in supplication."

Rick was surprised at the revelation. Billy, like the others, but also less than them, kept his personal secrets to himself so to hear this tidbit made Rick wonder who was doing the confessing, Billy or the fever.

Billy then closed his eyes in what Rick hoped would be blissful sleep. He waited nervously, watching the machines, almost praying that Billy's vitals would not change, that they would not squeal in protest.

And they didn't.

Rick took in a breath and squeezed Billy's hand.

"I'll be here for you. We all will."

**ChaosChaosChaos**

Billy's fever finally broke a couple of days later, not before scaring everyone by staying unconscious the entire time. The infection was slowly being defeated and the doctors were astounded and feeling optimistic that he had defied their predictions and had survived.

The three men weren't.

Billy slowly came back to consciousness and though he slept more than he was awake, a fact that Casey found unsettling because Billy was never silent or incommunicado for as long as he had been, he was clearly in the present and his recovery was both physical and mental.

Billy had remembered everything that had happened to him, had been briefed that the terrorists who had tortured him had been killed in the raid to rescue him. There were other captured agents from other governments who had been imprisoned there as well. Some hadn't been as lucky, if one could even see Billy's condition as lucky, and had died in transit or were found already dead.

Billy counted himself as lucky. He had never doubted that he would be found and knew that being found still alive was just a part of the faith he had in his friends.

He knew that he had work to do with their youngest recruit. Rick was as innocent as a man could be in their business and Billy knew that he couldn't take back that innocence. He had seen too much of how far the brutality could be administered to a human being and still stay alive.

That naivete was gone for good and he believed he was as much in mourning about that as Rick was.

Every visit after his fever had broken, Rick had acted just as subdued in his mood, as he had been when he had thought Billy was at Death's Door. He had hoped that impending recovery would soothe his guilt, but Billy was amazed at Rick's dogged determination to continue brooding.

What Billy had to salvage was Rick's faith. Getting better and stronger was just one component of the process. He had to make Rick believe again.

Rick watched Billy struggle back, go through physical therapy with fierceness and admired his determination. He never saw him waver, he never heard him complain. The only words he heard were ones of encouragement for the therapists as well as humorous jibes to maintain their focus and spirits. It was his way of letting them know how much he had appreciated their patience and persistence to help him get back to normal.

Rick could only watch in awe. If it had been him, he would be angrily cursing his lack of progress and taking it out on everyone. Billy acted with grace and gratitude in front of them and only applied harsh criticism upon himself. It was only in the privacy of being alone or so he would believe, that Rick sometimes caught the Scotsman revealing frustration, but never once resignation. If anything, Rick thought Billy was pushing himself too hard.

He would catch him lean against a bar in exhaustion and clench in pain as he panted with a windedness that was his constant companion while recuperating.

Inspiration wasn't enough to describe the feeling that Rick had felt watching Billy, lending a hand when he could, knowing that no matter how difficult it was, in the end, all he could do was watch, let Billy know that he was there for him, because recovery had to come from Billy and Billy, alone.

One day, Rick had become worried when Billy had arrived to PT looking as if he had already done a workout. He looked pale and weak, his legs wobbly seemingly barely able to hold him up. Billy was doing his best to hide the pain he was clearly having, stopping to brace against a wall, groaning from the sudden impact against it then curling into himself. When the pain passed, he would try to walk over again, but then he collapsed and Rick thought that his own heart had stopped as he ran over, calling out for him. Two other therapists joined him and tried to help as they also summoned a doctor. Before all was said and done, they had determined that Billy was just suffering from exhaustion and dehydration; that he just needed to rest. They admitted him for observation just in case despite Billy's exhausted protests.

"That was really stupid, you know," Rick scolded his voice a mix of gentle anger and tease. "Why are you in such a hurry? Are you trying to kill yourself?"

Billy smiled shakily.

"Aye, I agree it was a foolish endeavor. I guess I'm just anxious to get back to normal."

"The doctors said you need some rest. Have you been sleeping?"

Billy paused and hung his head in shame.

Rick didn't need to hear the answer to know it.

"You're still having the hallucinations, aren't you?"

"Not exactly..."

"Don't lie to me."

"I admit that I've been eluding sleep because..." Billy hesitated, "the nightmares have been haunting my slumber."

"You should have told the doctors -"

"And what could they have done, aye? Given me more narcotics to plunder me deeper into unconsciousness? No, lad, that I cannot abide -"

"So doing without sleep is a better alternative?" Rick scolded.

"It's just a temporary set back is all. I'll be right as -"

"Don't. At least be honest with me if you can't be with the doctors," Rick said, his voice plaintive and almost desperate for the need to help. "Tell me how I can help you."

Billy felt and heard the need.

"Talk to me, Billy."

Billy leaned back in the bed and sighed.

"Perhaps, I do need a wee bit of help, yeh?" he admitted.

It was then that Michael appeared in the room. Rick gave Billy a stern look then excused himself so that Michael could visit Billy. Michael waited until Rick had cleared the room and hallway. He also then gave Billy a knowing look.

"I know what you're doing, you know."

"Why, I have no idea what you're talking about," Billy protested slyly. "Are you questioning my motives?"

Michael smiled.

"You've done this before..." Michael said. "For me."

Billy demurred.

"I must be losing my touch if I've become that transparent."

Michael smiled.

"Only to me," Michael said with a pat on the shoulder.

Michael looked at Billy, gratitude on his face.

"Higgins has you to blame for my sticking around, you know," he teased.

"A cross I'm happy to bear," Billy smiled tiredly.

"And now you have to save another."

"An even worthier cause than any mission I could deploy," Billy said with brotherly devotion in his eyes.

Michael nodded. His expression then became worried that Billy would one day expend far too much for them, to protect them, so much that they would fail him…that he would fail to save him.

"And who's going to save you?"

Billy quirked his head, a mischievous smile on his face which then softened.

"I've already been saved, mate. More times than I can ever repay."

Michael nodded.

"If you can restore a cynical paranoid's faith in the system, Rick will be a slam dunk." Michael assured with a wry smile.

"I hope so. I'm worried about the lad. He'd come to us with seemingly unimpeachable belief."

"We all do. It doesn't take much to jade us."

"Perhaps, but I cannot have Rick be so disillusioned and certainly not on account of me."

"I'm counting on you."

Rick came back into the room after Michael had left.

"I talked with the doctor and if you improve overnight, you can go home tomorrow morning after some additional tests."

"Then I shall be on my best behavior," Billy promised with a swish of a salute.

Rick shook his head.

"Just get a good night's sleep."

"I shall do my utmost, but on that, I have little control. My subconscious has literally a mind of its own."

"Tell me what I can do to help."

"More to the point, what has been troubling you, lad. You aren't your usual jovial self."

"What? I'm fine."

"Must I remind you that you cannot hide from a spy, from THIS spy in particular who's learned your tells well. You are far from fine. I thought we had put the nature of my captivity behind us once and for all."

"We have...it's just..." Rick evaded.

"I will refuse succumbing to sleep until you are honest with me and reveal all about what is causing you such consternation. Is it not enough that I hold you blameless for what happened? That there was nothing you could have done to prevent it? That you couldn't have rescued me any sooner? Michael briefed me that others were not as lucky as I was and that's exactly how I see it. I'm a fortunate man to have emerged alive and to have mates like you having my back."

Rick bowed his head and took in a breath.

"I get that. It's not completely about that..."

"Then enlighten me, please, as your broodishness is exhausting me more than my recovery."

Rick scanned the room in order to avoid eye contact with Billy.

"I don't know if I believe I can fight against that kind of evil anymore. I was naive to think that people who did what they did to you can ever be completely defeated. We might take down some, but there are others just waiting to take their place. It's all too much. I don't believe we can win anymore. I don't think I can do it anymore if there's a chance you...one of us becomes captured and faces such cruelty."

Billy listened and Rick's words hadn't come as a surprise. It was what Billy had suspected was bothering Rick. Crisis of faith came to call often in their line of work. Questioning if the world was worth saving or if sacrificing one of their own to an ungrateful government was an acceptable price to pay.

But there was something deeper than that that Billy detected immediately.

Rick was afraid, more than just afraid, terrified. Billy understood. He gave him a sympathetic look.

"You're afraid and don't deny it nor act ashamed. It's not a weakness."

Rick couldn't help but react as if he had revealed some terrible national security secret.

"Yes, it is. This isn't like LaRouche where I can give a number to my fear and be over it or at the very least accept it. This fear…I can't shake. And I know very well that if I don't, I can't do the work anymore."

Rick turned his gaze away again, unable to look Billy in the eye. Having endured all he had and still remain optimistic about the work, let alone wanting to return to it so quickly, made Rick feel all the more ashamed for being wracked with terror.

"I paraded my patriotism in front of everyone and I'm a hypocrite. I'm a coward."

"Rick –"

"Don't you dare tell me how I have the heart of a hero because I don't. You, you have that because you can go through all you have and I don't mean just the torture, I mean, being deported too, I mean, you're either a hero –"

"Or a fool," Billy said with earnestness.

Rick turned around again.

"Oh no, you don't get to use reverse psychology on me –"

"I wouldn't know where to begin to use that on you, lad, but I mean it, what else, but a fool keeps coming back for more beatings, tortures and not wise up to the fact that maybe he's being foolhardy? Seems to me what you're feeling is closer to normal."

"That!" Rick said, pointing at Billy. "That's what I mean by reverse psychology, turning it around so you're the one whose the whack job because you believe in saving people, that you do what has to be done, even if it means getting tortured to accomplish it. At least you're not a hypocrite."

"Who says –" Billy started before Rick fixed him with a "don't you do it" glare.

Rick plopped himself into a chair, his expression melting into sadness then grief.

"I don't want to be captured. I don't want to be tortured…I knew it was always possible, but after what you…I don't think I could bear it…I don't think I could…"

"Keep silent?" Billy finished, understanding with clarity where Rick was heading.

Rick then looked up, his face revealing everything. Billy saw it.

"Now we're getting to the crux of the dilemma, aren't we? It's not the torture, well, it is, I mean, nobody, not even the great Casey Malick wants to be captured and tortured, but it's not all about that either, is it? You think you'll break and put people in jeopardy, don't you?"

Rick's silence was Billy's answer.

"Ah, your silence speaks volumes."

"How can I possibly be a good agent if I can't…if I crack under pressure…under the kind of pressure you went through? I could compromise someone…" Rick then looked at Billy. "Compromise you."

Billy saw the terror, the very real terror, in Rick's eyes and his heart broke for him. For once, Billy would have no easy quip for an answer, no pithy comment to soothe Rick's pain.

"Rick, you would never compromise me or any of us," Billy said with confidence.

"You don't know that. **I** don't know that."

"True, I don't, not with the kind of certainty you need, only with the belief I have in you and I wouldn't mislead you by claiming otherwise. Only faced with the situation can one truly know what one will do in it, to discover one's limits, one's true threshold for pain, one's point of surrender. I can't tell you that. What I can tell you is that everyone fears what you are feeling now and only in that moment, will you know. It's not a moment I would wish on anyone and I plan on doing my utmost to make sure you never do, but it can happen. The one thing I know for certain is that no one, me especially would hold you to blame. The only thing I can give you to carry you when you're faced with that moment is that nothing you would say or do would diminish our opinion of you or of our drive to save you. Sometimes it's that knowledge alone that will be enough. It always is for me."

Rick saw the sincerity in Billy's eyes and appreciated it. No coddling or false assurances, just honesty. It was what he knew he could always depend on from Billy, even when they were hazing him; his participation had been marginal at best. He had intuited that there was more to Rick and had never given him less than honesty mixed with the much needed humor to make the bitter pill palatable.

"If I did break, I'd rather be dead."

"A sentiment we all share, lad. I wish I could tell you different."

Rick felt a bit of comfort from the assurance.

"No, no, it's a relief to know that I'm not alone."

Billy fixed a determined expression as he looked at Rick squarely in the eyes.

"Let me make one thing perfectly clear. You are never alone."

Rick saw the determination on Billy's face as well as the encroaching weariness of very little sleep. He nodded and Billy allowed himself to finally close his eyes.

**TO BE CONTINUED… Almost done. One more to go! Thanks for reading so far!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Denial then Acceptance**

**Part 5:**

Rick startled awake.

He noticed that he felt achy, probably from sitting uncomfortably in a hospital chair in Billy's room. He hadn't remembered nodding off, but he had been exhausted worrying about Billy's recovery. They had had a good talk and the fear and apprehension that he had felt since Billy was rescued had lifted enough to allow him sleep, a commodity that had been robbed from him as much as it had been from Billy.

He reached with his hand to rub the pain from his shoulders, but was shocked to learn that he couldn't, that something was restraining it. He groggily tried to clear his vision and looked over; every motion brought searing pain that puzzled him. Still, even that revelation didn't diminish the shock he felt when he had realized that his hand, his whole arm, was being restrained. His gaze followed the restraint up to a wall. He surveyed his surroundings and he found blood on his once crisply pressed shirt, more pain began to assert itself as if to give him an inventory of the various injuries that for a brief moment at awakening he had forgotten about.

He was in a small cell. The walls were cement, the only view a window so high up that even if he craned his neck to the straightest upturned angle possible, enduring the inevitable pain that would follow, he couldn't discern where he was. One thing was certain though.

He was a prisoner.

He blinked and wondered how much time he had lost and more importantly, how much reality. The last thing he had remembered was being in a hospital with Billy as the patient.

Had that happened? He wasn't sure.

Was that all an illusion?

Was it a hallucination that his mind had conjured up to deal with the fact that he was a prisoner, to comfort him? To help him towards acceptance that this could be his last mission?

He didn't know the answers, but oddly, he didn't resist the conclusions.

He knew that his friends were coming for him and that was enough.

He was at peace.

Just as he faded into darkness, a darkness in which he didn't know where it would lead him, he heard explosions and his door blast open. He felt someone grab him, a reassuring hold.

"Rick? Rick? We're here. Hold on, lad."

Billy.

"You get him out of here and I'll make sure these SOBs pay for what they did."

Casey. It brought a smile to his face. Billy noticed.

"That's right, son. This is a bona fide rescue, the cavalry's here. Hang on now."

He felt Billy releasing his bonds and being in the company of his friends, he allowed himself to relax.

"No, no, Rick, me boy, stay awake. You have to stay with me, mate," Billy encouraged. "I know it's difficult and I know you want to sleep and you will be able to rest soon, but not yet, all right?"

"I…knew…you'd come," Rick said, his voice a whisper; the gratitude, a warmth of trust threaded through his words.

Billy swallowed back his emotions, the responsibility of the statement not lost on him.

"Come on, lad," Billy said as he hoisted him onto his shoulders and led him out.

"You were right…" Rick rasped.

"Was I now? Well, that will be a first. You mind telling me what I got right exactly?" Billy coaxed as he guided him out of the compound toward Michael who was standing by a car, back seat door open and ready to receive them.

"When you told me…I'd only know my limits when faced with it…"

Billy crinkled in confusion.

"Now, I know…what you meant…what you told me, it kept me…going…"

"What exactly is it that I told you, mate?"

"That I'd never be alone…"

Rick then fell unconscious.

**ChaosChaosChaos**

It took a day to stabilize Rick, but all in all, he would be all right. A collective relief fell over everyone, but there was also an air of sadness.

Billy had acquired another infection while trying to recuperate from the last mission and had fallen into a coma.

He had already been falling prey to the raging infection and as always, had managed to stave it off until this body couldn't fight back anymore.

The doctors weren't optimistic and Michael and Casey didn't know how they were going to break it to Rick so true to form for the ODS, they lied to him until he was well enough to handle the truth.

Rick laid in bed, in shock over the news about Billy's declining health.

"No, no, it can't be. He was with you guys…he got me out."

Michael and Casey looked at Rick, their concern shifting to him.

"You must have been under the influence of whatever it was they pumped into you," Casey commented.

"What? No, no, I remember talking to him. He was telling me to stay awake and hang on and –"

"That was me, I was pulling you out," Casey insisted.

Rick took in a breath; confusion was swimming in his mind.

"I told him that I knew he'd come for me, that you all would, that what he had told me just before the mission had kept me going…"

"Rick, you were going in and out when we were getting you out of there. You were probably crashing from the drugs they injected into you. You just need some rest," Michael comforted.

Rick continued to struggle with his memories.

"Back at the compound…what he told me kept me alive. I was so scared after what happened to him that I wouldn't measure up if it ever happened to me then I was captured…but…I remembered what he told me and I knew I'd be okay, that I wouldn't betray you guys. All that time, I just remembered Billy telling me that if I did break, you would still come for me, that I wasn't alone."

"Well, of course we would, Rick. We'd never leave you behind. Frankly I'm a little hurt that you would think we would," Casey teased.

Rick only slightly registered Casey's flippant tease, the confusion etched deeply on his face. Michael, too, was confused and worried.

"When was the last time you remember talking with Billy?" Michael asked, his practicality along with concern needing to make an assessment of Rick's state of mind.

Rick thought long and hard, finding it hard to slog through his memories to differentiate when he was captured versus just before that when he had talked with Billy.

"I think it was when we rescued him from that prison, when he thought that he had seen his old partner and Emma. He'd been tortured for a week before we got to him, but he was starting to get better, he was going through PT. I was really shaken up about what had happened to him, that it had taken so long to get to him, but he told me that I needed to get over that plus I was worried about how I would handle getting tortured like he had…I was terrified that I would break and compromise all of you. He told me that I'd only know my limits when faced with it, but that you'd all be there for me and I believed him. It helped me get through the torture knowing that you'd find me. I realized what Billy was trying to tell me then, that knowing all that would keep me from breaking. And it did."

Rick let out a deep sigh.

Michael and Casey gave each other knowing and worried looks.

"That was over three months ago, Rick and yes, we did find Billy, but he was close to dying and he's been fighting to live ever since. He hasn't regained consciousness."

Rick felt pain in his chest that he knew hadn't come from his injuries. He recognized it as the shock of learning that Billy had never talked to him and the confusion that had caused.

Could his recollections be false? Created by the drugs that his kidnappers had injected into him? In a way, there were worse hallucinations to have so if that were the case, then he couldn't find fault in it. If the images were supposed to break him, they had done the opposite. They strengthened his resolve. Still, the uncertainty remained along with the deep sadness he felt that Billy was barely hanging on to survival. He found himself preferring the hallucination over the harsh reality.

"Can I visit him?" Rick asked.

"I don't know if that's –" Michael said.

"I **have** to see him. I **need** to see him," Rick pleaded.

"Okay," Michael said.

Much to the dismay of the doctors, Michael and Rick collectively managed to convince them that it was important for Rick to see Billy, that it was as much for him as it was for Billy.

A nurse wheeled Rick into Billy's ICU room and Rick was shocked by the fragility he was seeing. His last recollection was of a tired and weak Billy, but a Billy who was getting stronger by the day. This Billy was decidedly thinner and since he was already tall and lanky to start with, becoming thinner only added to the starkness of his frail and helpless form.

Rick wheeled closer to the bed and his senses picked up the antiseptic smell that inevitably develops over being bed ridden for long periods. It deepened his sadness for a silenced Billy was a painful visage to behold.

"Billy," Rick began, trying to think of the right words to say. "I don't know what happened to me when I was imprisoned, but I wanted you to know that even though I seemed to have hallucinated a moment that never happened between us, the words you said, they rang so true to you and I clung to them. You helped me get through hell so I'm hoping to return the favor here. I'm not the metaphysical type, but if you can hear me, please come back. We all need you here. If a guilt trip will work…we won't survive without you…**I** won't survive."

Rick's eyes filled with tears as he stared at Billy's pale face. It was then that he spotted Billy's eyelids flutter open, tiredly at first then his eyes roamed his surroundings trying to ascertain where he was.

"Billy?" Rick said shocked yet elation brimming in his eyes.

His eyes fixed their gaze onto Rick and there was no fear there, just relief.

"Hold on, Billy. Don't fall asleep again, please. I'm getting help."

Rick pressed Billy's call button madly as if pressing it over and over again could bring anyone in faster. Finally a nurse came in.

"He's awake! Please help him!"

**ChaosChaosChaos**

After a flurry of doctors and nurses surrounded Billy to assess his situation, one of them finally came out to the men.

"Mr. Collins seems to be breathing on his own. His vitals are good so we are cautiously optimistic for now. He has a long way to go to full recovery, but if he keeps up this progress, he should be fine. He needs his rest right now, but you can see him tomorrow."

The three men released long sighs of relief as if they had all been holding their breaths the entire time Billy had been unconscious. Even cynical Casey and paranoid Michael couldn't help but feel hopeful. Rick just closed his eyes as if in prayer. Casey noticed.

"Never keep a prayer to yourself," Casey said.

Rick smiled and nodded.

The next day, Michael and Casey agreed that Rick should visit Billy, that he needed to see Billy more than they did, if only to keep boosting his own recovery.

Rick wheeled into the room, a bright smile on his face. Even in his weakened state, Billy was glad to see it and determined his energies to make sure that he did everything he could to prevent that positivity from deflating on account of him.

"Young Rick, I daresay you look chipper today," he said, his voice a scratchy whisper from his throat having been imprisoned by the ventilator for so long.

"Never mind about me, how are you feeling?"

"I feel on the mend. I fear it will be a long road, but I am bound and determined not to be run off of it," Billy smiled, exhaustion lined his face.

Rick returned it then became pensive.

"I can't stay long, you need to rest and they're on my case to get some as well, I just…"

Billy saw the raw relief and gratitude on Rick's face.

"Save it, lad, for when both of us are not dulled by the ever delightful medications we're on," Billy deflected for Rick's benefit. "Suffice it to say, none of it matters right now. Healing is around the corner and all that matters is that we're here among the sanctity of friendship, yeh?"

**ChaosChaosChaos**

Rick recovered fairly quickly, still needing to take it easy so that his bones would knit and his body would return to elasticity. For every day that he was in the hospital, he visited Billy.

Billy's recovery was a much longer road. He had been bed ridden for months, muscles, sinew, and bone, inactive. Small victories came in sitting up, staying conscious for longer and longer periods of time and cognitive functioning returning. And every day, his friends came to visit to keep his spirits up though as Billy regained his stamina, they began to notice that he had switched roles and had become the Billy they had come to depend on, the Billy who made them laugh, who gave them the proper perspective on the future even it was his long term engagement with physical therapy. Each of them vowed to help him, Casey seemingly particularly relishing putting Billy through his paces, enjoying the prospect of pushing him to this limits to make sure that he came back 100%.

Rick though undeniably happy to see Billy's recovery, still harbored a sense of uncertainty that dimmed his joy and Billy had noticed it.

"Rick, is something bothering you? You seem a bit distracted," Billy queried.

He was propped up in his bed, the angle of it comfortably placing him in a sitting position, still his face was pale and every word he spoke was laced with discomfort and weariness.

"No, I…"

"Come on, lad, you can't keep such secrets to yourself for long. You know I'll continue to cajole you until you reveal. I have my strength back now," Billy teased tiredly.

Rick smiled.

"Yeh, I know you will."

"Then tell me what's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong really…it's ridiculous. I was hopped up on whatever drugs they had me on –"

"Rick, your dilly dallying is making me nauseated. Can you come to the point please?" Billy teased.

Rick nodded.

"When Casey and Michael rescued me, I told them that what kept me going was what you had told me about learning my limits when tortured and that the only thing that I needed to know was that I would never be alone…"

Rick sighed, sadness in his eyes.

"Knowing that…hearing those words kept me alive, Billy. The entire time I was being drugged and beaten, all I could think about was that you, Michael and Casey were coming for me, that I would rather die than break and I didn't because of what you told me…"

"I'm glad I was of some comfort to you during the worst moment in a spy's life, but forgive me, Rick, I don't understand –"

"We never had that conversation, Billy. It never happened. I hallucinated it all at least that's what people are telling me. Even when I got rescued, I could have sworn that you were there pulling me out, carrying me on your shoulders, but Casey and Michael told me you were already in a coma the entire time I was captured. I'm just…it felt so real. I guess my kidnappers really did a number with my mind."

Rick looked dejected almost disappointed that everything he had thought was real was all just a dream.

Then it was Billy's turn to look confused.

"Of course we had that conversation, mate. I remember it well," Billy said his voice breathy and labored.

"Now you're just humoring me."

"I'm not, lad. Unless you and I both have fallen through the looking glass together, I do remember it. I foolishly rushed my recovery and my setback happened shortly after you left for the mission. It was at that point that I had fallen into a coma. Perhaps it's Michael and Casey who have their timelines confused. Now, true, I wasn't there when they rescued you, I truly wished I had been. Though I'd rather that you had never had experienced all you did, I'm heartened that anything I could have told you saw you through it."

Rick took in a breath only a little uncertain about his state of mind, but glad that Billy shared the recollection.

"More's the point that you are back safe and on the mend. That's all that matters. By the way, I had no doubt that you would not crack under the pressure. I'm just glad that you were able to prove it to yourself because there was no need to do so with me nor with Casey or Michael neither."

Rick smiled as he watched Billy fall asleep. He left feeling lightened. It was typical of Billy to make him feel better even feeling so weak and out of sorts himself.

Michael watched him leave. Later when it was his turn to visit, he had decided to talk to Billy about what he had heard.

"How are you doing?"

Billy looked over and smiled.

"Getting better every day my fearless leader," Billy teased. "I'll be back before you know it."

Michael gave him a dubious look.

"You'd sound more convincing if you weren't still flat on your back."

"I'm hardly that. I'm propped up rather nicely actually."

Michael shook his head then fixed him a look.

"Why'd you lie to Rick?"

Billy was taken by surprise by the question.

"Are you spying on me now?" Billy asked, not in any accusing way, but with a bit of delighted mischief in his voice.

"No, I happened to hear when I came by earlier."

"Ah, well, in that case, I didn't lie exactly."

"You were already in a coma before Rick left for the mission," Michael insisted.

"Yes, well, perhaps, but that doesn't mean we didn't have the conversation."

"What are you talking about?"

"Michael, you're not a man who believes in the intangible, things that can't be explained or that you can't see and prove with your own eyes. Your paranoia gives you a suspicious nature. Sometimes there are things that can only be explained metaphysically."

"Are you saying-"

"That I did have that conversation with Rick? Yes, of course. I remember every detail. How else would I know the exact details as he had remembered them?"

"That's what I'm asking **you**, Billy."

Billy smiled.

"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy," Billy quoted Shakespeare, his favorite go-to writer.

Michael shook his head again, humorous disbelief at how even in his weakened state, Billy could conjure up a Shakespeare quote befitting of the moment. He had to admit he was always impressed by it.

"It's called metaphysics for a reason, Michael. If I could explain it then it wouldn't be a mystery now, would it? Some things just have to be taken with nothing more than faith as its foundation. I'd like to believe that when Rick was in peril and needed something to believe in his mind reached out to me for strength and I'd also like to believe that the need was so great that in my altered state I heard his plea."

Michael listened, admittedly skeptical, but understanding that Billy was more than the logic of the job, he was the heart and soul of it and without him, none of them could get through the missions they did.

"I guess I'll have to just take what you're saying on faith."

"A wise idea and a significant step forward for a diehard cynic such as yourself."

Michael took in a breath then gave Billy a look. Billy spied tears filling his eyes. It gave him pause.

"After all, I've done it."

"What's that? Take a leap of faith, is it?" Billy smiled teasingly.

"I don't know if I'd go **that** far, after all, this is me we're talking about. Let's just say I place my faith and my life to men who defy logic at times."

Billy felt the sincerity behind the words and was moved by Michael's concession to something more at work than just practical drug-induced hallucinations.

Sometimes, acceptance is as simple as taking a leap of faith.

He nodded and smiled again at Michael then drifted asleep.

If he were the kind of man who shared his inner secrets, Michael would admit to his own leaps of faith and if he were to be honest, he had often reached for the belief and certainty in the loyalty of his men when he had found himself in the dark recesses of his own insecurities and weaknesses and Billy, he had always been at the center of that resisted faith. He could only hope to be as lucky as Rick had been as he grasped for a thread of reality in a surreal situation to find someone at the other end of that tether giving him what Michael knew to be an unshakeable belief and strength.

He was willing to concede to how lucky they all were to have that in their midst.

**FIN. Whew! Finally finished. I had fun writing this story and it took on a life of its own. Hope you enjoyed reading it. Thanks for reading!**


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